i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
