SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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