She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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