sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
