White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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