Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
