Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
