She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
