Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
