I'm so fucking centered right now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
