The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
