My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
