I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
