Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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