: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
