At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize