Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
