This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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