i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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