what is it with giant penises always finding me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Panties = found
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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