do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
