I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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