let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
