drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
