dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
