I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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