Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
