Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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