home. puking in laundry basket.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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