Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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