True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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