How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
