This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
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