so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
