So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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