Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
