I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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