i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
zippers are such a cool invention
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
