how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
