Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
