Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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