New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
