My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
