ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
