maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
