i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
