If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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