no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
