I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
