The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
