You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
